Guilt by Geography – feeling bad about living somewhere else

Every parent’s hope is to raise their children well and send then out on their own to lead happy, healthy lives. But when the parents suddenly become the ones in need, and the children do not live in close proximity--who will care for them?

The guilt you may experience about being far removed when this situation arises is natural. Millions of American families face these issues, either because their parents moved to far-away retirement communities or because the adult children scattered across the country. According to an MSN Money article, How to look out for parents 3,000 miles away, even relatively short distances can become a problem when children try to balance care giving with their other responsibilities.

How to make distance closer

The immediate reaction of most would be to rush to their side, and work out the logistical concerns later. However, a more rational approach would be to assess and prioritize their needs and create a simple checklist. According to the National Institutes of Health, the following are some of the most salient issues to consider:

• Medical help
• Transportation to medical and other appointments
• Assistance with bathing, eating or getting dressed
• Home modifications, such as a ramp or grab bars in the bathroom
• Assistance with household chores, including shopping, cooking and yard work
• Legal assistance, such as estate-planning documents
• Assistance with money matters, including paying bills
• Opportunities to socialize with other people

Caring for an elderly relative or adult dependent presents a real challenge, and can negatively impact on your ability to balance work and life. Making arrangements, dealing with financial and legal issues and finding community resources can be time consuming, frightening and frustrating tasks -- especially if you have to deal with all of this long distance.

Most family members simply don't know where to turn for help and advice. Consequently, many of these types of services go unused, simply because of lack of knowledge. In most cases, these services could save time, money and caregiver stress. One solution that has proven beneficial to many is enlisting the help of elder-care services in the area where your elder loved ones live.

Services from care managers should be something that every family considers, but in reality, very few families engage the services of care managers. Care managers can significantly help the family find better and more efficient ways of providing care for a loved one. The concept is simple--the family hires a well-informed, professional adviser to act as a guide through the maze of long-term care services and providers.

When the time comes for you to hire a care manager, your approach should be no different than hiring an attorney for legal affairs or a CPA for your taxes. If you take the time, do the research and find a company or individual who will meet your standards and effectively attend to the needs of your elderly loved one, then you’ve ultimately accomplished much more than you would have driving or flying back and forth to be by their side.

Just remember that it’s normal to feel guilty about being apart from loved ones when they need you most. However, you can take heart in the fact that you’re doing everything you can to ensure that their medical care is being managed properly.